Highlights of the holidays:

• Cramming five cousins into my little apartment for one weekend. Make that cramming five almost-always-inebriated cousins. I hated cleaning up after them, but I did enjoy having family over and showing them around my not so little city.
• Spending Christmas week with Jason's family. They're such a HAPPY bunch. It was like sunshine was coming out of everyone's ears, eyes, nostrils... I asked Jason where he got his snark gene. It must be recessive, he said. His Mom told me this was the first Christmas he didn't bring a boyfriend with him, which was a relief to her. Then his cousins gave me a list of all the guys he brought with him to family reunions. I was very entertained by the details Jason filled me with when it was just the two of us with a leftover bottle of wine. Oh to have even half the excitement of my gay best friend's love life!
• Making a call to my own family. It broke my heart to hear the family's laughter at the other end of the line, them being so far away. For a brief moment I wished I were with them, but after hearing the bitterness in my Mom's voice, I knew it was right that we were still miles apart. I wondered if I shouldn't have made that call. But at least I got to hear her voice, and that I knew she was fine with everything except for us. And the most dramatic phone call award goes to...!
• Celebrating New Year's Eve by watching Love Actually many many times, wearing a silver gown, a tiara, eating pizza and drinking beer alongside two glamorously-dressed individuals. Alright, we were supposed to go to this awesome dress-up kind of party, but Ashley's car broke down, her girlfriend threw a fit and hitched a ride with some stranger, Jason and I helped revive the car, and then it was just the three of us in the cold night. And a beat-up car. Somehow we managed to ride the old thing back to Ashley's place, and there we stayed till the wee hours, watching DVD, while the tuxed lady and gentleman ate pizza lying on the floor, and silver-clad me had my feet up on the couch with a bottle of beer. Ashley was a bit mopey over her lady's brattinella-ness, and Jason and I were like, We keep telling you she's such a braaaaaaaaat! The three of us were totally wasted by the third time the movie played again, and I think my subconscious had memorized the movie on the fourth run.
• Waking up on New Year's Day to undesirable sounds of desire. Yeah, Ashley and her girl were going at it in their room. I thought someone was crying, but as soon as I saw that Ashley was missing from her spot on the floor, and that there was a trail of clothes leading to their room, well... I shook Jason out of his deep slumber and out of the apartment we ran. We were still hungover, and I think it was about 8 am, but a little bit of our drunkedness went away. It was her apartment anyway, but hearing your friend have smex is just a little bit on the gross side for me. Don't wanna hear it, don't wanna visualize.
• Having an internet detox. Wow, this is a pretty long entry. I did try to avoid going online the past few weeks. It was a dare between Jason and myself. But since he has a Blackberry, it's impossible for him to go offline. My phone's just a call and text Jurassic thing, but hey it serves its purpose. And now I get to choose where to have dinner, his treat.

Happy new year to the strangers reading this. Happy new year to my little apartment, which has now been scrubbed clean by moi. Happy new year to the city that I live in. Happy new year to my neighbors, even to that one guy neighbor I've been kind of avoiding. Happy new year to my family, I love you, always, even if we don't talk. Happy new year to my best friends, who are my family where I am.

Let's get crazy this year, shall we?

Turning Circles
(Sally Dworsky)

Love is so moving as it turns around you
Your heart never figures out how love found you

Love's aftermath stage
'one of the lonely'
You're only a number
Left counting the days.

Turning circles, Turning circles
Never knowing what keeps you apart

Turning circles, Turning circles
Turning circles around your heart

She turns circles, Turning circles
Loves after tonight into hearts

Turning circles, Turning circles
She turns circles around your heart

Jason told me to break the "Don't date anyone from your building rule." Ashley and her girlfriend said he liked me since he joked around a lot with me. I really like him too. You can just sense things like that. So I was planning to ask him out, since we've never hung out beyond the apartment's premises, just to grab coffee or walk around the neighborhood.

I do like Josh. And I know he likes me.

But I guess I assumed too much. On my way home a few days ago, I saw a couple kissing at the apartment's front steps. Before I could think "Get a room!," I saw it was Josh. And a girl. My heart fell.

And well, oh well. I was crushed. Is that why they call them crushes?

I bowed my head before we could make eye contact. He did call out to me, and I just waved my hand, but without looking at him.

My apartment was filled with the aroma of apple pie hours later. Comfort food. All this time I thought there was something, no matter how soon it was too tell. I guess the joke was on me.

Sometimes I'd be in the middle of a really good book when Ashley would drop by. It annoys me when friends drop by unannounced, but it pleases me as well that I was in their thoughts. The annoyance is trumped by feeling flattered so it's all good. Like when Jason wouldn't stop buzzing at 2 am, disturbing my dreams and my only shot at getting a kiss from Clive Owen. Turns out he was dumped by Boy #127, and we shared tears over leftover berry cheesecake -- the cheesecake we baked together when Boy #127 asked him out a few days ago. I'd rather console a crying Jason than kiss an imaginary Clive anyway. I think. I kid!

So when there was a knock on my door this morning, I was super annoyed. There was no warning buzz from the main door, so who could it be? I didn't let anyone in. I unbolted every lock but the last one and peeked into the hallway. It was Josh from the 7th floor, bearing food. My tummy did some cartwheels. Oh who am I kidding. They did air dances and somersaults and many, many, cartwheels.

It was a thank-you for the pie I shared with him last Thanksgiving. But this time, he said, I could have the whole thing for myself. It was a tin can filled with shortbread. I took a bite out of one piece and declared that yes, he was right, I am saving this all for myself. It tasted really good! Store-bought, he pleaded guiltily. I didn't care. It was so thoughtful of him.

I invited him in for morning coffee. I was so happy to see Josh I forgot I was in the middle of blowdrying my hair. No wonder he was looking at me funny. Ha! I finished drying my hair while I left him in the kitchen with a plate of cookies and a mug of English Breakfast latte.

Then Jason buzzed in, and when I introduced them to each other, he went, "Ah, Josh, the Thanksgiving guy, good to meet you." WHAT THE!!! I know this is cliche, but if looks could kill, Jason would be dead twice-over. Of course Josh caught all that and he just laughed, "Yeah, the Thanksgiving guy." I hope he doesn't think there was a Fourth of July guy or a Christmas guy. I mean, come on, Jason. Be smoother for me.

That was the only horrifying point of the morning. Jason and I headed off to brunch, giggling like schoolgirls once Josh was out of sight. Well I hope he was out of sight AND hearing distance.

That was the only surprise I enjoyed this morning. The other surprise came in the form of a text message from my cousin, saying she has a meeting in the area next week, maybe we could hang out during the weekend. Cousin and I are very competitive with each other, but I don't know. We still love each other to bits. Maybe because we both don't have any sisters. Whatever. I was kinda annoyed at the inviting-myself-over thing, but I'm looking forward to seeing her anyway. Again, the annoyance is trumped by the anticipation of hanging out with her, so it's all good.

What do you do when your two best friends decide to spend Thanksgiving with their respective significant others' families? You spend Thanksgiving alone. That's what happened to me, but no worries. I may have been alone, but I wasn't lonely.

There was no Scrabble night last week, with all the Thanksgiving preps people were focused on and all. I had an early dinner by myself, green bean casserole and roasted chicken for one. I'm not a turkey fan. Then I had made pumpkin pie that afternoon, which I didn't feel like eating in my apartment. I decided to go to the game room and eat in front of the giant TV. (My TV's broken.)

I brought the whole pie and a can of whipped cream with me, a thermos of hot water, and packs of English Breakfast tea. As expected, nobody was at the game room. Perfect! I watched a rerun of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I think I was onto my 3rd slice of pie when Josh came into the room. He's from the 7th floor. I've met him once (twice?) in the building, exchanging pleasantries. Anyway his roommate, he said, had some friends over and it was getting kind of crowded. So off he went to the game room, expecting nobody there.

We weren't expecting each other then, but that didn't matter. We sat through about four more reruns of the show, and polished off the pie. He ate his with a plastic knife though, since I had only brought one fork. It was a pretty cool way to celebrate Thanksgiving. Small talk, which I abhor, wasn't as bad between us. We pretty much have a lot of stuff in common. Like how plaid is so '90s but we still love wearing it anyway. Like how The Big Bang Theory is one of the greatest shows on earth. Stuff like that. I'm thankful to have made a new friend in the building.

Ashley and Jason called me a few hours later, each one sounding drunker than the other, asking how I was. I told them about Josh and his eager appetite, my successful dishes, and that my Thanksgiving wasn't too bad. They thought I was just trying to see the silver lining. Truth is, I didn't mind at all.

Thank goodness for broken TVs. Thank goodness for pumpkin pie. Thank goodness for crowded rooms. Thank goodness for new (cute) things to look forward to in this building. I may have set out to celebrate Thanksgiving alone, but apparently the holiday had other plans for me.

"A ship in harbor is safe. But that is not what ships are built for."
- William Shedd

There's a picture of a lone sailboat in my room. I hang it across the bed so it's one of the last things I see before drifting off. The image always reminds me of that Shedd quote. And that is what I always try to remember when the going gets tough.

My good friends (all two of them) keep me strong. Ashley's been feeding me like the witch in Hansel & Gretel (Darling, fattening me up will just depress me more) and Jason's been taking me to different places in the city, so it'll feel more like home to me. I love them both. I really do.

Do I love myself enough to keep this up though? Ugh, I'm going emo on myself. Must throw out all ice cream in the freezer.

I think I'll stay "in harbor" just a little bit more. When I feel like my sail can take the wind, I'll definitely start sailing again. I promise. I shall sail again!

What do you do when you're homesick? There's one lady in this building who cries a lot when she's missing her homeland. She's usually at the stairwell, sniffing into a Kleenex. I've passed by her several times (as the elevator continues to be busted) and don't know what to do when I near her. I've patted her on the shoulder once, and she acknowledged it with a nod. Another time I backtracked and waited at the very boring lobby for ten minutes, hoping she'd be gone by then. She was still crying her heart out. I asked if I could get her anything and she just shook her head.

I got hit by a tidal wave of homesickness last night. The tears almost came. I was so sure I'd run to the stairwell once the waterworks arrived. I've been homesick before, and all it took was a call back home. I can't call home now though. Not yet anyway. I decided to make bread. Kneading dough is very good stress release. Poor pounded dough. I transferred most of my sadness into it. I'm now scared to offer the bread to anyone in case it makes them cry.

Home is here in my vanilla nook. I know it is. Sometimes my heart isn't all that convinced though.