Harry and I were holding hands at the front steps...

Wait a minute. Typing that was a bit surreal. I'm holding hands. With HARRY. After swearing not to fall in love too fast again, here I am again very much infatuated with this guy named Harry. And on another level of surreal, he has a huge crush on me as well. That's not a guess. He told me himself.

So it's been a bit of a whirlwind, but I thought, what the heck. He's a blast to be with and we just connected. Jason was all "Go for it!," him of the many love connections. Ashley was more cautious, she who has just broken up with her girlfriend. "A whirlwind romance is like a coffee crash. You get that huge high but the crash will hurt your head so bad." Party pooper. Like I don't know that anyway.

It's only been a couple of weeks but things have been promising. Wait, I don't like that word. PROMISING. It's like you're counting too much on the future. That's where the heartbreak comes in. I just want to live in how good our connection is right now, today. Like when we were at the park -- Harry quietly reading through screenplays, me reading a back issue of Psychology Today with my head on his lap. It was quiet and I enjoyed the moment AS IT WAS not because it's like a sign of things to come. A lot of relationships get messed up that way. Been there, done that.

So yeah, Harry and I were holding hands at the front steps this evening when Jason called to say dinner was postponed because his guy date got chicken pox. Who gets chicken pox at twenty-seven? So Jason's gonna go on nurse-mode and I wouldn't be surprised if dons the uniform too. Then Ashley texted saying the ex-girlfriend wanted to meet her for dinner and nothing we could do or say will stop her. That left Harry and myself. Sitting at the front steps.

"What do you want to do?," he asked me.
"We've got reservations for five. What if we just go anyway?," I said. I abhored cancelling reservations. Harry knew that apparently.
"I'll take care of it. What if we just walk around and see what we feel like doing?"

And we walked around, hand in hand, pointing at restaurants, coffee shops... Pizza at my apartment was what we ended up with.

"Maybe I should have taken you to a fancy restaurant. To woo you," Harry said later when we were washing the plates together.
"You can't woo me with champagne and gold napkins," I answered.
"We'll see," he laughed.

He left a couple of hours ago, but "we'll see" lingered in my head. I hate "We'll see." It's like maybe it happen, maybe it won't. Is he surprising me with champagne and gold napkins? Does he want to prove me wrong? And here I am overthinking again. See what I mean about enjoying something in the now? "We'll see" just messes with my head.

Then I go back to the warmth of his hand in mine when we were seated at the steps. When we were walking. When we were eating pizza and watching TV together. It happened hours ago, but the warmth lingers. I enjoyed it while the warmth was there, but the memory of the warmth is still with me. I don't need champagne and gold napkins to be wooed, I should have told him. All I need is your warmth. I should have said that. Cheesy but true.

I can't wait to hold hands again. Yeah, that's like going against what I said about enjoying the now without thinking of what's to come, but that's enough for me. To hold hands again. Champagne and gold napkins are just a bonus.

One of my nieces was named after the city she was born in, and what a beautiful city it is. She's three years old and can't pronounce her name correctly yet. It's more like "Matt-an."

I'm a kid magnet, and it works for or against me sometimes. When I'm in a social event and feeling anti-social, all I have to do is stay near kids and later on I'd be showing them how to make a crane out of paper or debate about who the coolest Transformer is. When I'm at the park and miraculously make eye contact with a guy I could be interested in, into the scene comes a bunch of kids holding up boats and riding bikes in a Ring Around the Posey way -- there's no way out. By the time I get out of the circle, the guy's gone.

Maybe I should've become a Kindergarten teacher. But I don't want to go to school again to get another job. School didn't agree with me very much. I mean, college was cool, but I wouldn't want to waste another night poring over textbooks and wishing I could be hanging out with my friends instead.

Manhattan is a sweet kid. She says she wants to be an ice skater when she grows up. Her favorite holiday is her Mom's birthday. Why? "'Cause she home." There goes my cousin blushing all over, such a workaholic that her toddler already has Mommy issues. "Matt-an" is definitely a Daddy's girl, even if her folks are divorced. She sees more of her Dad even if she lives with her Mom.

You know what, if my cousin would hire me as "Matt-an"'s nanny, I'd go for it. She pays well. Her current nanny dresses really well. And in expensive brands. Not that I'm brand-conscious or anything.

"Favorite Auntie," Manhattan told me recently, extending her arms out for a hug. I gave her a huge hug and gave her a big kiss on the head. Then we made paper cranes (I folded, she played with them) all afternoon.

Highlights of the holidays:

• Cramming five cousins into my little apartment for one weekend. Make that cramming five almost-always-inebriated cousins. I hated cleaning up after them, but I did enjoy having family over and showing them around my not so little city.
• Spending Christmas week with Jason's family. They're such a HAPPY bunch. It was like sunshine was coming out of everyone's ears, eyes, nostrils... I asked Jason where he got his snark gene. It must be recessive, he said. His Mom told me this was the first Christmas he didn't bring a boyfriend with him, which was a relief to her. Then his cousins gave me a list of all the guys he brought with him to family reunions. I was very entertained by the details Jason filled me with when it was just the two of us with a leftover bottle of wine. Oh to have even half the excitement of my gay best friend's love life!
• Making a call to my own family. It broke my heart to hear the family's laughter at the other end of the line, them being so far away. For a brief moment I wished I were with them, but after hearing the bitterness in my Mom's voice, I knew it was right that we were still miles apart. I wondered if I shouldn't have made that call. But at least I got to hear her voice, and that I knew she was fine with everything except for us. And the most dramatic phone call award goes to...!
• Celebrating New Year's Eve by watching Love Actually many many times, wearing a silver gown, a tiara, eating pizza and drinking beer alongside two glamorously-dressed individuals. Alright, we were supposed to go to this awesome dress-up kind of party, but Ashley's car broke down, her girlfriend threw a fit and hitched a ride with some stranger, Jason and I helped revive the car, and then it was just the three of us in the cold night. And a beat-up car. Somehow we managed to ride the old thing back to Ashley's place, and there we stayed till the wee hours, watching DVD, while the tuxed lady and gentleman ate pizza lying on the floor, and silver-clad me had my feet up on the couch with a bottle of beer. Ashley was a bit mopey over her lady's brattinella-ness, and Jason and I were like, We keep telling you she's such a braaaaaaaaat! The three of us were totally wasted by the third time the movie played again, and I think my subconscious had memorized the movie on the fourth run.
• Waking up on New Year's Day to undesirable sounds of desire. Yeah, Ashley and her girl were going at it in their room. I thought someone was crying, but as soon as I saw that Ashley was missing from her spot on the floor, and that there was a trail of clothes leading to their room, well... I shook Jason out of his deep slumber and out of the apartment we ran. We were still hungover, and I think it was about 8 am, but a little bit of our drunkedness went away. It was her apartment anyway, but hearing your friend have smex is just a little bit on the gross side for me. Don't wanna hear it, don't wanna visualize.
• Having an internet detox. Wow, this is a pretty long entry. I did try to avoid going online the past few weeks. It was a dare between Jason and myself. But since he has a Blackberry, it's impossible for him to go offline. My phone's just a call and text Jurassic thing, but hey it serves its purpose. And now I get to choose where to have dinner, his treat.

Happy new year to the strangers reading this. Happy new year to my little apartment, which has now been scrubbed clean by moi. Happy new year to the city that I live in. Happy new year to my neighbors, even to that one guy neighbor I've been kind of avoiding. Happy new year to my family, I love you, always, even if we don't talk. Happy new year to my best friends, who are my family where I am.

Let's get crazy this year, shall we?

Turning Circles
(Sally Dworsky)

Love is so moving as it turns around you
Your heart never figures out how love found you

Love's aftermath stage
'one of the lonely'
You're only a number
Left counting the days.

Turning circles, Turning circles
Never knowing what keeps you apart

Turning circles, Turning circles
Turning circles around your heart

She turns circles, Turning circles
Loves after tonight into hearts

Turning circles, Turning circles
She turns circles around your heart

Jason told me to break the "Don't date anyone from your building rule." Ashley and her girlfriend said he liked me since he joked around a lot with me. I really like him too. You can just sense things like that. So I was planning to ask him out, since we've never hung out beyond the apartment's premises, just to grab coffee or walk around the neighborhood.

I do like Josh. And I know he likes me.

But I guess I assumed too much. On my way home a few days ago, I saw a couple kissing at the apartment's front steps. Before I could think "Get a room!," I saw it was Josh. And a girl. My heart fell.

And well, oh well. I was crushed. Is that why they call them crushes?

I bowed my head before we could make eye contact. He did call out to me, and I just waved my hand, but without looking at him.

My apartment was filled with the aroma of apple pie hours later. Comfort food. All this time I thought there was something, no matter how soon it was too tell. I guess the joke was on me.

Sometimes I'd be in the middle of a really good book when Ashley would drop by. It annoys me when friends drop by unannounced, but it pleases me as well that I was in their thoughts. The annoyance is trumped by feeling flattered so it's all good. Like when Jason wouldn't stop buzzing at 2 am, disturbing my dreams and my only shot at getting a kiss from Clive Owen. Turns out he was dumped by Boy #127, and we shared tears over leftover berry cheesecake -- the cheesecake we baked together when Boy #127 asked him out a few days ago. I'd rather console a crying Jason than kiss an imaginary Clive anyway. I think. I kid!

So when there was a knock on my door this morning, I was super annoyed. There was no warning buzz from the main door, so who could it be? I didn't let anyone in. I unbolted every lock but the last one and peeked into the hallway. It was Josh from the 7th floor, bearing food. My tummy did some cartwheels. Oh who am I kidding. They did air dances and somersaults and many, many, cartwheels.

It was a thank-you for the pie I shared with him last Thanksgiving. But this time, he said, I could have the whole thing for myself. It was a tin can filled with shortbread. I took a bite out of one piece and declared that yes, he was right, I am saving this all for myself. It tasted really good! Store-bought, he pleaded guiltily. I didn't care. It was so thoughtful of him.

I invited him in for morning coffee. I was so happy to see Josh I forgot I was in the middle of blowdrying my hair. No wonder he was looking at me funny. Ha! I finished drying my hair while I left him in the kitchen with a plate of cookies and a mug of English Breakfast latte.

Then Jason buzzed in, and when I introduced them to each other, he went, "Ah, Josh, the Thanksgiving guy, good to meet you." WHAT THE!!! I know this is cliche, but if looks could kill, Jason would be dead twice-over. Of course Josh caught all that and he just laughed, "Yeah, the Thanksgiving guy." I hope he doesn't think there was a Fourth of July guy or a Christmas guy. I mean, come on, Jason. Be smoother for me.

That was the only horrifying point of the morning. Jason and I headed off to brunch, giggling like schoolgirls once Josh was out of sight. Well I hope he was out of sight AND hearing distance.

That was the only surprise I enjoyed this morning. The other surprise came in the form of a text message from my cousin, saying she has a meeting in the area next week, maybe we could hang out during the weekend. Cousin and I are very competitive with each other, but I don't know. We still love each other to bits. Maybe because we both don't have any sisters. Whatever. I was kinda annoyed at the inviting-myself-over thing, but I'm looking forward to seeing her anyway. Again, the annoyance is trumped by the anticipation of hanging out with her, so it's all good.

What do you do when your two best friends decide to spend Thanksgiving with their respective significant others' families? You spend Thanksgiving alone. That's what happened to me, but no worries. I may have been alone, but I wasn't lonely.

There was no Scrabble night last week, with all the Thanksgiving preps people were focused on and all. I had an early dinner by myself, green bean casserole and roasted chicken for one. I'm not a turkey fan. Then I had made pumpkin pie that afternoon, which I didn't feel like eating in my apartment. I decided to go to the game room and eat in front of the giant TV. (My TV's broken.)

I brought the whole pie and a can of whipped cream with me, a thermos of hot water, and packs of English Breakfast tea. As expected, nobody was at the game room. Perfect! I watched a rerun of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I think I was onto my 3rd slice of pie when Josh came into the room. He's from the 7th floor. I've met him once (twice?) in the building, exchanging pleasantries. Anyway his roommate, he said, had some friends over and it was getting kind of crowded. So off he went to the game room, expecting nobody there.

We weren't expecting each other then, but that didn't matter. We sat through about four more reruns of the show, and polished off the pie. He ate his with a plastic knife though, since I had only brought one fork. It was a pretty cool way to celebrate Thanksgiving. Small talk, which I abhor, wasn't as bad between us. We pretty much have a lot of stuff in common. Like how plaid is so '90s but we still love wearing it anyway. Like how The Big Bang Theory is one of the greatest shows on earth. Stuff like that. I'm thankful to have made a new friend in the building.

Ashley and Jason called me a few hours later, each one sounding drunker than the other, asking how I was. I told them about Josh and his eager appetite, my successful dishes, and that my Thanksgiving wasn't too bad. They thought I was just trying to see the silver lining. Truth is, I didn't mind at all.

Thank goodness for broken TVs. Thank goodness for pumpkin pie. Thank goodness for crowded rooms. Thank goodness for new (cute) things to look forward to in this building. I may have set out to celebrate Thanksgiving alone, but apparently the holiday had other plans for me.